Like most four year olds, I believed whole heartedly in Santa Claus. I mean, why wouldn't I? Each Christmas there were gifts under the tree from him. I saw him on TV, and in pictures and drawings. I even met him once at the mall, but I was terrified and refused to sit with him. I eventually did, but was none too happy about it. I think the beard creeped me out. But despite all that, I had faith that he was real. No, faith is the wrong word, it implies that perhaps I knew it was improbable but believed anyway. I didn't believe in Santa, Santa was a fact.
Then I went to my grandmothers house for the weekend, and that all changed.
Grandma: Hi John, you must be excited about Christmas, it's only a week away!
Me: Oh yes! I can't wait, Santa is bringing me an Evel Knievel stunt cycle!
Grandma: No he isn't, there's no Santa Claus. Your mom and dad buy all the gifts and just say they're from Santa Claus
Me: Huh? No, last year he brought me the Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock action figures with the Enterprise transporter, and this year it's the Evel Knievel stunt cycle.
Now, at this point you'd think she would have just given up. Clearly I was too young to be told the truth. But you don't know my grandmother.
Grandma: Are you stupid? There's no Santa Claus. Your mother bought you those action figures, I was with her at the store. All of that Santa Claus stuff is just a load of crap. You're too old to believe in that.
Me: So you're telling me it's all a lie?
Grandma: It's not really a lie, it's more like a story or a fairy tale. There's no Easter Bunny either.
Oh shit, no Santa? No Easter Bunny? What the hell was going on. My four year old heart was growing heavy.
Me: But what about the basket full of candy?
Grandma: That was from me.
FYI, Grandma likes to take credit for things, I'm sure my mom really bought the Easter basket.
Me: From you? What else isn't real?
Grandma: None of it is real. There's no tooth fairy, no Easter Bunny and no Santa Claus. Do you really believe in a walking and talking bunny rabbit who gives little children eggs and candy each year? Or even worse that a fairy sneaks into your room and give you 50 cents in exchange for one of your baby teeth? It's time for you to grow up John.
Me: But, but.....
I was starting to believe her. I think the only thing that I trusted more than the existence of Santa Claus was my grandmother. Could it be? Was it all just a trick to make me behave? Were my four older brothers in on the joke too?
It was at this time that a terrible fear came over me. A fear that ran as deep as any I have felt before or since. I suddenly didn't care about the Easter Bunny or the tooth fairy, not even Santa Claus.
If they weren't real, did that mean....
Me: Grandma! What about Evel Knievel? Is he real?
Grandma: Even Knievel? Of course he's real. He's just a horses ass.
I slept well that night with the knowledge that Evel Knievel was indeed real. I also was fairly certain that "Santa" (my Mom) would be bringing me the stunt cycle I so desired come Christmas. All was right again in the world.
To this day my mother is still upset at my grandma for telling me all of this at such a young age. I vividly remember my relief when I was told that Evel was real. This isn't a joke, it really happened. For years to come I would argue with my school friends trying to explain that Santa wasn't real. Thankfully they didn't believe me.
Oh and in case you're wondering, yes I did get the Evel Knievel stunt cycle that Christmas. It was the first gift I opened and I don't know if I even cared about the rest. Man that thing was fun, but he always crashed.
Merry Christmas everyone (or happy whatever else you celebrate). Have a great new year and I'll see you in 2007!
9 responses to No John, There Is No Santa Claus
Ha ha...thank you for sharing! Great story, my son's 8 now and he keeps asking me if Santa is real and I don't know what to say to him...I think he doesn't believe, but, he really wants to? Merry Christmas!
Quite a dapper outfit there, John. Does your dad happen to be Peter Tork?
CRash
Hey man, it was the 70's. :-)
you had one mean grandma, John. :(
I asked John's mom about this incident on Christmas Eve and she is still a little annoyed at her mom 30 years later!
Four years old too old??? !!!
John,
Your story BROKE my heart.
:-(
- L.
I've been away for awhile so I'm just now catching up on reading stuff...
John, this is so sad!! I wonder why your Grandma was so bitter about Santa Claus. Poor woman, she must have had issues.
Ok I know you posted this months ago but I just got around to reading it....Yeah Great Grandma ruined the whole santa claus thing for me too!